i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
