3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
