Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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