check it out our google latitudes are spooning
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
