Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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