areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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