She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
