she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
