Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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