i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
