You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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