Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
