The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
