Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
