She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
