i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
