He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
