apparently the secret to your success is patron
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I touched a dick in church today
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
