I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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