the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
