THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
