I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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