I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
