If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
