when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
