I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
