yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
