Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
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