The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I sprained my soul last night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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