I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
