I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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