I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm always down for nudity.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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