Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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