Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
