i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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