Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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