It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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