I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
