and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize
