smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
