Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
someone threw a dead crab at me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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