Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
