I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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