dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
50% drunk capacity currently
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
