White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She bit a glass in half.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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