sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
