Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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