I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
