I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
