That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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