I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I enjoy the company of your penis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
